Sunday, December 21, 2008

feeling good now. all alone. somewhat craving some company. content though. sipping on white wine johann left in my fridge. just rearranged the living room,liking how it looks a lot. listening to a quick mix on pandora, right now nouvelle vague station is playing, some band called martina topley-bird. never heard of her but sounds great. not sleepy. kind of want to watch a movie but i am not in that movie watching mood. mo got her car stuck inside of the gates of pergatory. some club in broward county. they locked her car in and her mom got pissed. so funny. these few days before christmas vacation are always really interesting in gainesville. they feel really secluded. johann left gainesville yesterday morning. my constant long time gainesville friend, the person who has always been around the four and half years i've been here. and the newest gainesville friend left on tuesday for italy. leaving for miami for a week and a half on tuesday with soph. wonder what that is going to be like, i'm looking forward to it. i want to sit and have one on ones with a few people, janelle, vanessa cid, my cousin denise. looking forward to new years eve, this year surrounded by people i love, different from last year's in gainesville. i honestly am in awe at how fast this year felt like it passed by. in complete awe and it gives me chills sometimes. looking forward to the next year, the spring semester in gainesville which is going to be markedly different than the last as they always are. i am looking forward to hanging out with two new friends in particular. and hopefully saving some money for fun times away from here by mid spring or summer. and always looking forward to summer time. but am feeling content with this moment right now.

Monday, October 6, 2008


here we are outside of the waldo flea market looking so sunday chic

today i am cranky, cranky, cranky. work. is. so. annoying. all of them. except the library job. get paid to play on the internet is not a dream job but pretty close to it.

i have gotten a lot of new music lately. and i made a fantastic mix that i need to send out to friends from a mix cd trade from eight months ago, i'm so late. i don't think i do this but i do, take forever to send something out i say i'm going to.

this weekend was good and kind of crazy. the nights were cool. friday night i partied late into the night with sophie and paul and this boy from down the street taylor who is nuts when he's drunk and dissected some artwork at my house. i got bitched at by paul. no biggie. i'm surprised some of my friends think i treat them like an asshole cause i don't think i do. but i guess there's a lot of things we do that we don't think we do. i'd like to think our own perception of ourselves is the most accurate (since you know we've been with ourselves for the longest amount of time), but that could be wrong. or it could be right but you have to balance your own (accurate) perception of yourself with others' not-so-accurate but equally valid perception of you.

ideal: near-complete honesty with friends, supported by mutual love and respect.

i believe i have that with a lot of my friends, which is lucky.

last weekend i woke up semi early for a sunday, cracked out from a late late night working at pita pit,and called my roommate lucy to see what she was doing. it was a perfect day and i could unknowingly feel it in the air. I'm at El Indio she says. I'll be right there! i respond. I didn't make it to el indio but my fabulous roommate brought me an egg burrito and scooped me up with Sophie and her friend Saad and we drove out to the Waldo Flea Market, which I had never been to before. Waldo is a small small small northern Florida town and they have this fantastic flea market every Sunday. I call it fantastic partly because, as I said, the day was perfect, and also because I looked good, I was in a good mood though I needed coffee BADly, and I found great buys! Myra Breckenridge by Gore Vidal for a whole 25 CENTS! Then Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, the book, for 50 cents. Then the CD Last Splash by the Breeders for 2$ (ok a little expensive), and a pound of potatoes for $1 that Lucy later made into mashed ones.

As if the day was not good enough already, on the way back to Gainesville, we spot our two favorite professors having coffee at a cute little gay coffee shop in the middle of Waldo! We had no idea it even existed! When we waved to them, they called us over and we got some coffee and sat with them for almost an hour! It was so cool! Almost too good to be true! Chillen in at a gay coffee shop in Waldo, FL on the most perfect Sunday I have seen yet, talking about chill but interesting topics. I'm telling you, it was wonderful.

And the day got eeeeven better! When I drove over to Sarah's house where Johann and Tina S. and Kenny my neighbor were hanging out, recovering from a huge potluck in honor of Kenny's 19th birthday. That was fun, because I love those people. And then later we had beers together at lucy's restaurant, and continued the night by smoking a joint on my bed, listening to great songs, acting out the Robyn video (ok that was only me and only lucy understood), and kenny and i blabbering about massive universal stoned-type things. I was in love with everyone that day.

and so in hopes of attaining the tranquility and content-ness of that day, i need some proverbs or advices. like mayybee...

don't give so much of a fuck

but better than that.

Friday, September 26, 2008

my room has been the most welcoming and comfortable and enriching sanctuary for me this week. i have downloaded new music. like amanda palmer's new cd. and i downloaded the mac version of soulseek. fall time weather has arrived in gainesville surprisingly early and everyone is pretty happy about that. makes me want to make plans and i've been making them.

i've been reading my 3rd james baldwin novel, go tell it on the mountain. phenomenal

Friday, September 19, 2008

what i've been looking at online today:

Song to the Siren introduced to me by one beautiful boy on a late night on mo's couch just after tons of booze, a few hits of green, and a couple slices of Five Star with mushrooms

Grad Schools... ... awesome

Miami Bike Scene funny story

Bigger Than Hip-Hop: A Q+A With Kevin Powell really good interview with a former real world contestant and former Vibe magazine writer who is running for some congressional house in brooklyn

Defiance, Ohio's website complete with top 3 reasons to go vote
i confuse dreams with reality more and more each night. last night i was mostly asleep and in my dream my mom was nagging at me over something, but i was awake enough to know it was in my head, but i was too asleep to really figure out that i didn't need to actually say something out loud to get her to shut the fuck up, so i caught myself shouting "OK NANCY!" out loud in real life. then there was a dream where my parents re-did my room back home so nice and i was pretty much starting to pack my shit to move back home. it had a walk-in shower with a black leather couch inside. and a sleek black futon but not with the clunky steel bars that mine has now. i woke up and it took me a bit to come to terms with the non-existence of that room. i wanted to draw a picture of it when i woke up.

so i woke up to a relatively cool house this morning. all our windows had been open all night and it felt so nice sleeping in that and waking up to that also felt delicious. i brewed a pot of coffee, ate half of a tasteless green apple, made a bowl of cinnamon and spice flavored oatmeal, then ate it, then found some left over kashi cereal in a box of fiber one, ate that with some soy milk, probably then took a poop, and got dressed for work.

work life is miserable half the time, kind of glamorous in a totally not glamorous way the other half. i realized that i was lacking in enthusiasm and excitement from the moment september started. i blame work. i blame not having hours upon hours of me time, free time. but i kind of feel that changed this weekend. i got invigorated by people that showed up out of no where on thursday night and spent the weekend at the house on 4th ave. zest for life is back. thursday nights have done it for me in different ways, last week's thursday being the most tangible, last night being through cristy c road's zine.

i realize that most of my journal writing (here, my old LJ, my notebook journal, my daily thought journal) talks about two things: how i feel, why i feel that way. that is basically it. i never expand beyond those two topics. i wonder why this is, is it a representation of my inner self, my cancerian/pisces sun/moon combination that is ruled by a world of feelings and curiosities. but i'm mainly just curious about my own inner feelings, a lot more so than anything outside. i know outside things inspire me and incite me but it's not like i appreciate a beautiful sunset just because it's a beautiful sunset and because clouds and colors are such amazing things and they do other amazing things blended together, but more so because i am there and feel somehow a part of that blending and i am experiencing it and even more so if the afternoon has been perfect and the weather feels so nice and makes me and whoever i may or may not be with also feel so nice and together we feel nice but the point is that it's always centered on me and my interpretation and my feelings. is this everyone? i don't think so. i think someone can appreciate the sun setting from an objective point of view, from the sun being beautiful in and of itself, or from a song being perfect not because it makes me feel so good or it sounds exactly like something i've felt, but because musically and lyrically or whatever it is perfect and it has nothing to do with me other than the fact that i can appreciate it.

but this journal and my writing, the sparse and half-assed writing i do, is somehow supposed to be representative of i'm feeling inside...what inspires me and incites me and,sometimes, why. and there's so much that does this. so many people, so many songs, so many words jumbled together, and pictures and ideas and inebriated moments and shared moments and shit like that. i could go on. i remembered this stuff from a few interactions with the surprise visitors this weekend. somehow. their genuine willingness to connect in an honest way, and their willingness to share and shit like that. shit that i'm used to from many other people but sometimes forget when i'm in a barely-noticeable barely-actual slump where i lose a little bit of fire and where i get tired and blasé.

work life is only going to last so much longer i sure hope. september is almost over and october is coming and i have plans for october. sort of.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Defiance Ohio last week was incredible. They are this awesome folky punk band that play in Gainesville once a year and have blown me a way once a year for the past three. Me and Sophie got 32oz High Life bottles. Good idea, Soph. We had a Defiance OH singing party at my house after the show with Mo and Lucy, and Kenny said we need to be careful for being too loud cause our neighbors want to keep calling the cops on us for noise violations. what ever.

Last night was Paul's fashion show. SO MUCH FUN! Get this: pretty lame people all dressed up to the nines, looking pretty good, I must say, at this really fancy "exclusive" (eye roll) bar that is also actually pretty impressive aesthetically. Upstairs: fashion show, white run way, packed people, annoying girl saying to me "you are not about to stand there" yes i am girl, but then cute waitress girls walking around with huge monster trays filled with this DELICIOUS sushi (even though the girl i met at the show alicia said the best sushi in g-ville is in Tatu...didn't know that), and then smaller trays with pretty fancy glasses filled with martinis, also complimentary. It was me and Sophie and then Paul came out and it was so exciting, he did the best run way walk and i couldn't believe i knew the best model in that whole show but then again I don't think I really noticed too many of the other ones, just Paul. I looked great too, Sophie had picked my outfit out, and I kept getting compliments. Felt kind of nice but I wanted a boy to be lusting after me, not just kind compliments.

Also, I finally finished the whole Sandman series. The last book, The Wake, was pretty great but I was kind of disappointed and kind of confused with the last story about William Shakespeare. Didn't get it. But I loved the first story, the one where they are all at the wake, and Despair talks about the old Despair, and Delirium is dressed up with fairy wings. Despair is quickly becoming my second favorite of the family, especially because of the way her speech was laid out in the book I just finished and because of how intense she is.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Thursday, August 28, 2008

clocking that game

month of august is coming to an abrupt end. a month of non stop movement and people and social action and continuous brain working, it has come to a stop And I feel sort of peaceful and kind of worn out, my brain kind of taking a break. I feel comfortable in my house and do not want to leave except to go to work, but then I just play a motivational song in my head about hustling and other bad-ass activities and I'm flying and work don't chip at my self worth or creative force like it's meant to do.

i got my ipod to function and i'm hoping it will go a few months without freezing on me and forcing me to delete all the songs and re-restore it to factory settings. i'm being very careful. so far my song list includes a playlist of 300+ songs that i can picture jamming out to while working at pita pit. and then i uploaded a bunch of madonna, two lisa germano albums, portishead, lots of mirah, midlake, mia, some pj harvey. my soundtrack. i grabbed my ipod this morning and played it on shuffle for my 15 minute walk to the library job, and got some good jams, a lovely lisa germano track and a spicy madonna song from bedtime stories ("i can be your sister, i can be your mother, i can be your friend, i'd even be your brother but i...i'd rather be your lover, that's right").

and two more things:

1) i bought plums on sale at publix. delicious. i don't think I had ever tried plums before. like i said, delicious.

2) i have been hungry non stop. maybe it's all the work hours or something. but non stop. i brought a boca chicken patty sandwich to work today and i ate it within my first hour of being here. i can't help myself, i always do that! if i know i have food with me i want to eat it immediately, specially if it's super tasty!

3) we got a dining room table! it has easily made the dining room nook my favorite spot of the house.


I just (finally) finished reading this last night. While talking about the book with Janelle on the phone last night, I said my favorite chapter was the one where Michelle and her girlfriend Eleanor start selling coke. Janelle agreed and mentioned the hilarity of aMarilyn Manson story that Michelle insisted on telling and re-telling over and over while she was on coke. I haven't snorted coke in months. I'm not craving it right now but I can't wait for the right moment when it's there and it makes my night so unforgettable.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

disillusion in august but then!

The month of august has been whizzing by and turning into this blur and mixture of settling in to a new place and chatting with new people and drinking with old friends and long hours spent at work. I can't really remember specifics and in my memory the days kind of blend into each other.

In starting this blog I was also starting a kind of completely new sort of direction of my life. Nothing really that epic but going from 16 years of schooling to strictly working is a new direction. The first week of it left me dazed and disenchanted and un-enthused. This week i've been much better.

This past saturday night we celebrated Sophie's 21st birthday by eating a Mrs Fields cookie cake at The Top and taking photo booth pictures with Sophie and singing "You're So Vain" by carly simon.

I am going to miss sleeping next to Lila when she leaves for such a long time this coming saturday. I never think about it when someone is going to leave, it just comes and then i realize and sometimes it's sad cause it was so much nicer when they were around but sometimes it's kind of okay but most of the time i will definitely long to be in the presence of that person somewhere in my feelings. Who do I miss currently? Martin i miss. Matt i don't particularly miss but it was so much nicer when he was around, is the thing, so it's similar. My mom i kind of miss, and my mom's mom i definitely miss but it's a missing feeling that is amplified by me feeling kind of bad for her since she is alone so often and i want to be in her presence not only cause i like being in her presence but because i know how much my presence would make her feel better.

Janelle is in town for a week. I love her and her energy and her thoughts, but after last night I have [temporarily] concluded that she is the worst person to sleep next to. She took up the entirety of lucy's full-sized bed last night. I had to push her with all my might from my side of the bed to try to get her on her side and she still only stopped half way, leaving me a mere fourth of the bed.

Her birthday is this Thursday the 21st, and I am looking forward to much fun and much partying.

all i got is love for these two

Tuesday, August 12, 2008


i just had a vanilla frosty from wendy's. and a broccoli and cheese baked potato, and a coffee. The first two are gone with their remains in the trash bucket under my desk (the first first was delicious, the second first not so much) and i'm slowly sipping on my coffee now.

I'm at the library job which I have come to love. Because at my other office job I don't have more than 3-4 minutes of free time to stealthily log on to Facebook or Blogspot, and 3-4 minutes isn't enough time to really sift through my list of facebook friends or write a decent blog entry.

a lot has happened since I moved into 1122. The days when nothing happens seem almost surreal. So far, I really love my new house and my new neighborhood. We have a great social-type porch where pedestrians and bicyclists who we may or may not know stop and hang out for a bit.

Oh yeah, and there is a kitty! She goes by several aliases including Fern, Matha, cutie pie, and Verne. She is beautiful as you can see from the following...

Lila S has been crashing on my bed and my couch for the month of august, bringing all the good and fonky energy gainesville needs at the end of a summer. Brother Weezy was in town for the weekend, basking in the laziness of a warm and hungover gainesville weekend. Sunday the main (only?) thing accomplished by us three was driving over to Cafe Gardens in Weezy's awesome Jeep Cherokee and downing grilled cheeses and beer and fries. In case you were curious, Lila's GC had spicy havarti and provolone with baby spinach and onions, Weez's had spicy cheddar with baby spinach. For beer, we opted for Shock Top then went to have a cigarette with the Pita Pit dudes and chatted about the word "yack" and wearing out your shoes.

get it, L

Also, I acquired strep throat. I just found out this morning in the infirmary. Kind of ironic cause I thought I had strep about a month and a half ago when all my friends were getting it. But i didn't. But now I do. And it's prob from making out with the grimy straight kid who wants to experiment with sexuality and singled me out as the boy he wants to experiment with. God Damn It.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

breakfast this morning + moving day

Moving Day was incredible yesterday. For the following reasons:

... Holy Shit! Lucy thought that we should rent a van to move, I said ok, it's cheap, why not. I never drove a big van or even an SUV so i was wondering if even I could drive it and not crash into trees and people. But drive it i could and it was SO fucking fun. Lucy and Mo-Mo suggested I trade my Chrysler in for a U-Haul van and I would totally be up for driving a U-Haul van around all the time. Maybe not all the time but how cool would it be for someone you knew to own a U-Haul van and transport people around (like at least 10 can fit in the back compartment!).

2. Moving is Fun!
... It kind of is. Well, parts of it. Seeing all your junk crammed into the back of this huge van.

3. Worker Bees.
... Me and Lucy make quite a fucking team! We got a lot done by 5pm, just the two of us. And then when Mo-Mo and Jess C. joined our team, we were unstoppable. We moved so fast, sweat like PIGS (it was hot! i was soaking), and got everything moved by 9pm.

4. Jess C and Arthur
... Mo-Mo and Lucy and I went to pick up Jess C's mattress that she had been offering me for a few weeks. When we went to pick it up, Jess was already home from work. She brought THE cutest puppy alive out, her puppy Arthur, and we played with him in the grass. He hops and skips, he doesn't walk. He is achingly cute. It's mind shattering. Then Jess and Arthur offered to help us move! It's so fun to hang out with Jess C she is so pretty and fun to talk to and laugh with. And arthur, like i said, is the cutest creature I have ever met and I'm not saying that in a light sense. I think he really is.

5. Our Hour-Long Breaks
... The day started with a break. Dunkin Donuts, where they are having a promotion with free coffee on every Wednesday in August. I got free hot coffee and egg+cheese bagel sandwich, Lucy got free iced coffee and a bagel with chives cream cheese, and we shared a sour creme donut-- not sour cream like for mexican food, it's just what it was called, we have no idea why. I had an internet break while Lucy was in class at 10:50am. We made a quick pit stop after packing our second load at walgreens where we bought Snyder's Jalapeno-flavored pretzels. Then drove to Gyros Plus where we each had a falafel hummus gyro, mine without pickles, lucy's with extra. I had another break when we dropped Lucy off at her 6pm class where me and mo-mo smoked camels on her new porch and Jess c. and arthur talked with us. Then at the end of the night, we went to El Indio (footsteps from our new house!).

6. The Fucking Black-Out
... Half-way through our dinner at El Indio (I did not get any food cause I was still pretty full. I wasn't around to see what everyone else ordered), ALL the lights and power around us go completely out. We were sitting on one of their green tables and all of a sudden it is pitch dark. It was amazing! We all reacted accordingly as we would in that sort of situation, I thought. Arthur kept sleeping, Jess C smiled and went to talk to the people at the table next to us, Lucy was pissed cause she had shit to get done, I exaggerated the situation and hoped for days of no electricity and or the apocalypse and or zombies, and Mo-Mo freaked out. I got a text message from Danielle part-way through the black-out letting me know that the lights at Pita Pit (where I had to go work at 10pm) were also out. I was SO FUCKING PSYCHED. I called them and no one answered but when I drove there, the lights were back on. Fuck. So I dropped my 4 teammates off, Mo-Mo at her house to grab her car to take Jess C and Arthur home, Lucy to our house which still had no power, and then went in to work. Which wasn't that bad cause I had 2 beers before going in, some beer & whiskey/coke while at work. I was exhausted by the end of the night though, I started to feel like i was in a hazy day dream.

Conclusion: I don't know when I'll get around to organizing the tons of shit that's in my new house.

Thanks to: The girls on my moving team that I mentioned (oh, and arthur). And whoever made the power go out for those 30 minutes.

Epilogue: I have a new path to get to school and my Library job. I also had no food or coffee at home, so I stopped by Bagels Unlimited on my way to work. I like that now that I have a job(s) I can stop for coffee and food on my way to work and not feel too bad about it. I got a huge styrofoam cup of coffee and an everything bagel with butter. Pretty fucking tasty.

New House!!!

Goodbye 710.