i confuse dreams with reality more and more each night. last night i was mostly asleep and in my dream my mom was nagging at me over something, but i was awake enough to know it was in my head, but i was too asleep to really figure out that i didn't need to actually say something out loud to get her to shut the fuck up, so i caught myself shouting "OK NANCY!" out loud in real life. then there was a dream where my parents re-did my room back home so nice and i was pretty much starting to pack my shit to move back home. it had a walk-in shower with a black leather couch inside. and a sleek black futon but not with the clunky steel bars that mine has now. i woke up and it took me a bit to come to terms with the non-existence of that room. i wanted to draw a picture of it when i woke up.

so i woke up to a relatively cool house this morning. all our windows had been open all night and it felt so nice sleeping in that and waking up to that also felt delicious. i brewed a pot of coffee, ate half of a tasteless green apple, made a bowl of cinnamon and spice flavored oatmeal, then ate it, then found some left over kashi cereal in a box of fiber one, ate that with some soy milk, probably then took a poop, and got dressed for work.

work life is miserable half the time, kind of glamorous in a totally not glamorous way the other half. i realized that i was lacking in enthusiasm and excitement from the moment september started. i blame work. i blame not having hours upon hours of me time, free time. but i kind of feel that changed this weekend. i got invigorated by people that showed up out of no where on thursday night and spent the weekend at the house on 4th ave. zest for life is back. thursday nights have done it for me in different ways, last week's thursday being the most tangible, last night being through cristy c road's zine.

i realize that most of my journal writing (here, my old LJ, my notebook journal, my daily thought journal) talks about two things: how i feel, why i feel that way. that is basically it. i never expand beyond those two topics. i wonder why this is, is it a representation of my inner self, my cancerian/pisces sun/moon combination that is ruled by a world of feelings and curiosities. but i'm mainly just curious about my own inner feelings, a lot more so than anything outside. i know outside things inspire me and incite me but it's not like i appreciate a beautiful sunset just because it's a beautiful sunset and because clouds and colors are such amazing things and they do other amazing things blended together, but more so because i am there and feel somehow a part of that blending and i am experiencing it and even more so if the afternoon has been perfect and the weather feels so nice and makes me and whoever i may or may not be with also feel so nice and together we feel nice but the point is that it's always centered on me and my interpretation and my feelings. is this everyone? i don't think so. i think someone can appreciate the sun setting from an objective point of view, from the sun being beautiful in and of itself, or from a song being perfect not because it makes me feel so good or it sounds exactly like something i've felt, but because musically and lyrically or whatever it is perfect and it has nothing to do with me other than the fact that i can appreciate it.

but this journal and my writing, the sparse and half-assed writing i do, is somehow supposed to be representative of me...how i'm feeling inside...what inspires me and incites me and,sometimes, why. and there's so much that does this. so many people, so many songs, so many words jumbled together, and pictures and ideas and inebriated moments and shared moments and shit like that. i could go on. i remembered this stuff from a few interactions with the surprise visitors this weekend. somehow. their genuine willingness to connect in an honest way, and their willingness to share and shit like that. shit that i'm used to from many other people but sometimes forget when i'm in a barely-noticeable barely-actual slump where i lose a little bit of fire and where i get tired and blasé.

work life is only going to last so much longer i sure hope. september is almost over and october is coming and i have plans for october. sort of.